Turn You Upside Down

Honest. I must be honest. I have been so confused recently about everything. For a brief moment I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had it all figured out. And then BAM! I realize once again that I don't. Maybe realizing that I don't have it all figured out is a step in the right direction, but it certainly doesn't help me in my direct quest to come to some conclusion about life.

But I don't want to come to some conclusion about life. I want to explore. And wonder. And learn. More.

So maybe this ideal of figuring it out is really just...bullshit.

You see, this experience has become more than simply visiting a beautiful country and delaying the inevitable progression into responsible adulthood. That, of course is what I've claimed the point of this experience has been mostly for the sake of, well, not having to sound too deep. But I think that now is the time to finally go the distance and be up front with everyone, but mostly myself.

Get a job, right? But I am completely incapable of writing anything with certainty as far as this bit of my life is concerned. I have no idea. I've had no idea since I was in high school and I probably will continue to not have any idea as I get older. I am still a little kid inside: one who doesn't want to work, one who is sad that I have been told to take steps A, B and C in order to be successful. And it seems that I am the type of person that taking steps A, B and C to be successful isn't really going to help me. But who am I to want to change the past? No regrets, just learn for next time.

My current job is not where I want to be. It has also been teaching me a lot about life and fairness. Also, deciding between what is legally correct and morally correct. No, I'm not working for the black market selling organs to desperate families throughout the world, but I am having a bit of an inner struggle. Where does one draw the line between what's said in the law and what one feels one needs to do? Where does one lose their self-respect in this decision? To be true to oneself legally or in one's heart go with what one knows is the right move? This is a hard situation for me and even though I can't explain this situation more in depth, I will be giving it more thought and bring some more ideas to the table in the future.

I think the hardest thing about careers and jobs in the our day in age is that one can't just switch from one thing to the other. Everyone has to have a degree or experience or both and that is something very hard to get in many different fields. I know that I'm not the type of person who will want to do the same job for the rest of my life and in whatever jobs I end up doing I need variety. WHERE can a person get these things? And still have time to live? I'm sick of people living to work in this world and I refuse to be one of them. If I work, it's purely in order to live my life to the fullest...not to work even more hours. Ugh.

So that is that. I do want to go back to school someday. Specialize in something. But what? Journalism? Film? Physical Therapy? Education? But that day is neither close nor certain. Just like most other things.

But jobs are jobs and people are people...two very different things with very different meanings in my life.

And sometimes it's weird...just plain WEIRD...that people can pop up when you least expect it. And it's a trip. Every person that has written me or called me, randomly reappeared after months or years of exile from my email's inbox or managed with sincere dedication to keep in touch with me has effected me. And everytime I hear from someone close or distant it makes me smile. And even now, hearing from people back home, I realize how different things have become and how strange they will continue to seem especially when I return home. My life has very little direction or routine right now meaning that I could be here for two more years or ten. That I could be on a plane back to the US in a few months or next spring. And that no matter what I expect when I get there, nothing will be as I left it. Everyone has moved on, changed, made different life choices than I have. And no matter what sort of friendship or relationship I once had with them, it will not exist in the same way. I'm not sure I'm making much sense...but I'm trying.


So imagine this:
Deep sleep. Dreaming hard. Back to swimming. Training. No, racing. Nationals. 200 fly. Familiar faces, but who are they? Familiar feelings. So real that I may as well be back there. Back in the pool with my arms about to fall off. A giant tv screen with blurred images. Cold water. The only difference is that the knot in my stomach is gone. Then. One face, but for a second. Then--Gone.

Awake. Playing the "where am I?" game. An acid flashback for ex-athletes or something. Right??? And a reminder to forget about it. Let it go. It is over. I can't go back, so stop trying to think of ways that I can.

Remember those exiles of my inbox? Yeah, one just showed up.

Turns you kind of upside down.

You know?

-NMK