What Dreams May Come

Sometimes when I wake up I think I'm at home on Brotzman road. Other times I rise expecting to see the waffled ceilings of the dark side dorms. Today I woke in a daze, wondering where the hell I was, what year I was in, and when I had to leave for swim practice. As my eyes adjusted to the light I sank back onto my pillow in a somewhat disappointed mood. Could it be that my subconscious was trying to remind me how much that sport once meant to me? Strange. The dream brought together everything from my college swim coach to my high school training buddy along with a pool that my mind had constructed out of pieces from every important aquatic center I have been to. And in the dream, I was standing next to these two people and we were discussing our last season. It wasn't the last season at Hamilton or Chenango Forks. But I remember feeling a sense of ambition. Something inside my head that told me "this is it, make it count." It kind of shattered me when I woke up and realized, "nope, your last year was over, soooo you missed your chance." Because in the reality, did I really make it count? Was my heart as into it as it should have been? As into it as it had been in that dream...as I clearly wished it had been.

But there's no point in dwelling on the past. So what do I do? I could start swimming again, but despite my little experience last night, I don't think that's the route I should be headed. So back to this new thing I've been trying...this bike riding thing. Which I enjoy. Immensely. I love riding hills and training in a bunch (pretty much the only time I can stand the flats.) But do I love it enough to try and race? Am I just scared? One may ask, "what's there to be scared of??" Let me start a list:
1. Sucking really bad (that's at the top)
2. Crashing (not nearly as big of a worry as #1)
3. Getting dropped (the result of sucking really bad)

I'm sure I can think of other reasons...and maybe it's that I need to try it out before I knock it. I do know that I have been getting better...I stay up longer with the bunch when we do sprints, some of them I'm even at the head of now. It's more about positioning yourself properly and starting the sprint at the right time (something I pretty much still no, ah well...NOTHING about.) But I'm learning right? And that's all that matters. Rome wasn't built in a day, I've said that before. I mean for god's sake, aside from the fact that I've really just became serious (by serious I mean that anything less that two hours doesn't count for shit) about this whole thing, I'm still walking around with something that resembles a swimmer's body. I think. That's what I'm told anyway. And that needs to go.

It's so easy to make excuses. So much easier than getting up early and riding in the cold. Than getting home late and riding in the rain. Than pumping against the wind and lactic acid. I personally enjoy a nice cup of hot cocoa and a good movie over squishy cleats and that lovely little skunk's stripe one gets from cruising around in a rain storm. But, I think that's what it's all about...because how much sweeter will it be when I can be at the front and stay at the front on a hill climb? When I can spring the causeway with that guy from the local cycling club who looks like he rode his bike out of mommy'd womb. When I can climb Dyers Pass five times in a row and say "how 'bout a sixth."

So is this what I want? Or do I want to relax and just have a good time and say "it's ok if you don't feel like getting up at the asscrack of dawn." I really think I changed a lot in college...I grew lazy, despite the massive amounts of traning I had done. Now I'm just trying to get back to where I was before that. So how do you forget all the mornings of sleeping in the lazy weekends lyin in the sun? Maybe I don't need to completely foget them....maybe I need to find a little balance. Ah well, enough comtemplation for the time being. I did a nice long ride today so this promblem doesn't count right now.

Off to hang my laundry.

-Nicole